I have issues...

I have issues.

We are all aware of this.

One of my major issues has to deal with some obsessive compulsive behaviors. I was laughing at myself the other day because Meg W. was sitting by my desk as i was preparing to leave school the other day. Before I leave I try to make sure everything is in its place and that my folders and books and work are laid out for the next day. I always square them up. Sometimes I have to do it several times to make it just so. I was doing this and Meg looked at me and said..."Shivers....um...OCD!!!" I had to laugh.

I know that I have too high of a standard for myself and my family. I want things perfect. I desire order and predictiblity. I know that those things in and of themself are not inappropraite or wrong, but when they start to own me then there is a problem. When it becomes from "I should do this" to "I have to do this or I cant move on" then it moves into the range of becoming a disorder.

The worst part is when its uncontrollable. The worst part is when it owns me. The worst part is when I have to do it or I get stuck. And to get in the way of me completing it angers me. This is a disorder.

Usually I can talk myself through it. I can manage it and compartmentalize it. Its tough. At school I cope with it by stacking things into one pile. That seems to make it more managable. At home it is definatley cleaning and not having alot of stuff around that makes it managable. (I actually feel anxious about Christmas and birthdays because STUFF will be coming into the house and we will have to find a place to put it.)

So much of this traces back to my own upbringing and living in a disorderly household. Its a throwback, I realize this. Other parts of it are simply a lack of faith. Still other parts must be brain chemsitry or something.

I continue to work on it. Grace is a big thing for me...to give myself grace...to allow grace to others when they dont live up to this standard. (Namely my family) I try very hard not to make it their issue, but sometimes it bleeds over into their lives too. Currently Im trying to do one clean up in the morning before I go to school and one in the evening after dinner. And to breathe...breathing helps alot. To realize that its okay....to realize that nothing gets the right to own me.

I wonder if obsessive behaviors is simply a sign of the times. I know I do best with it when I am busy. Its seems to take the edge off of it. I wonder if people in third world countries struggle with this. Somehow I doubt it.