Queen Bees and Wanna Bes

I have seen it many times...girl drama at school!! We had some at school on Friday

Girls are WAY meaner than boys are. Its all about emotional isolation and triangulation and whispered nuances. The meanest thing a girl can do to another girl is not to be out right mean to her, but to isolate her and to not tell her why and to not change her mind about it. Its like watching a slow social death.

Ive seen vivacious girls...or "Queen Bees" taken down to the low person in the pecking order just by one strong personality having a few whispered conversations. Sometimes it doesnt even have to be about anything but the girl being isolated becomes paranoid and a bit desperate. Its painful to watch.

I recently read Odd Girl Out which explores the subleties of female relationships especially in Middle School and High School. It discusses this isolation phenonemon at length. Extremely engaging!Another great book on this topic is Queen Bees and Wanna Bes, also dead on in its description of what often takes place in the school-female sub-culture.

Its interesting to see the types that play this game. The "Wanna Bee" is usually a girl who is fairly popular, but probably not as "put together" as the girl that she desires to take down. Its the "alphas with a sweetness" that are often the prey... and interestingly enough they are usually girls that have a strength of character or are pretty or are seen as "valuable" by the community. At times their number one annoying quality is that they are conscientious or a bit "know it all-ish". The mean ones usually have some sense of insecurity that makes them desire to be "Queen Bee". Usually its a family issue of sorts....divorced parents are the usual culprit but emotional abuse or difficult situation or lack of money can also bring this out. So can a desire for power.

What happens is that the"Wanna Be" girl will slowly pull friends from the girl being preyed on. This is usually done through notes or whispered conversations or IM's online or email or phone call, text messages, you name it. It usually involves something that ends with "...but dont tell her!!" Ive seen it happen a million times. Once the tiniest shadow of doubt about someone is put into a girl's mind she will side with the one who put it there in the first place...and then the triangulation and isolation begins.

One of the most interesting stragegies that I see happen is that the "Wanna Be" will talk AROUND the girl being taken down. They can sit right next to each other in class and the "Wanna Be" will whisper to ANYONE but the one being taken down. A "Wanna Be" who is masterful in her strategy will even ask other girls to spend the night or go out or whatever in front of the "Queen Bee" and not ask her to join them.

It can also extend to texting or cell calls...girls text or cell each other and giggle across the room and talk to the person beside them and never the "Queen Bee". What is so funny is that "Wanna Bes" are usually consumed with giving the "appearance" of having a large network of friends, when in actuality it is usually just one other person. A "Wanna Be" who is engaged in texting and isolates the "Queen Bee" is constantily trying to use her weapons of isolation and secrecy to the highest degree.

At times body language says it all. The "Wanna Be" wont look at the girl being taken down, will sit with her back to her, give her false smiles, avoids eye contact.

Its painful to watch. I cannot tell you the number of girls that have sat across from me crying and explaining this situation.

So what is the best advice for a girl under attack? What I usually suggest is that they use their own powers of autonomy and give that friendship some time off. Act cordial towards the "Wanna Be" but dont engage with her. The best thing a girl in attack can do is act like it doesnt bother her a bit. Its like the concept in the book THE RULES... never let them think that athat you are bothered.

What Ive determined is that girls who isolate and triangulate usually have issues and are not always the healthiest choice for friends to begin with. A good choice for the "Queen Bee" is to move onto other friends and act cool as a cucumber. She may be crying every night at home, but crying in front of the "Wanna Be" in during an attack is certain death.

Its really a form of bully-ing--its a HUGE power trip for the "Wanna Be" especially if she is successful. Especially if she can isolate the "Queen" and usurp her power. What is so sad to me is that in the end "Wanna Be" usually ends up having just one of two friends while the "Queen Bee"...if she is smart will move on to other friends. Queen Bees usually always remain Queen Bees.

Ive told many girls over the years that it is important to remember that this is one small school in one small city in one small area in one state in one country of the whole world. These people do not define them. Even though it feels that way to the girl being attacked.