Overwhelmed.

That is the best word for the past four weeks. Overwhlemed.

When I am overwhelemed I retreat. I retreat from people and want alone time. I know that is pretty normal. When people feel overwhelmed the go into sort of survival mode. Just doing what is necessary. I know part of it has been just end of the year stuff...feeling pulled in many directions at one...having to be functional and action oriented at work..putting out fires and managing various issues... and there has been LOTS of issues...whack a mole time, sort of.

Its over for the most part. All we have is a few more work days. Im ready for summer so much. I get frustrated with myself because my friendships have to take a back burner at this time. Im completely empty. I feel badly that I dont have much to give. That I dont want people right now. That I want to retreat and fill up again. Im trying to give myself permission to pull back a bit.

I feel badly for the girl during this time too. I feel like she gets put in second place during times like these. I know beyond a doubt that she is fine. She has lovely friends who help me out with watching her and great babysitters too. But I feel badly that its not ME! I always have to work on balance with her. There is definately a give and take at her age...how much do you need mom still and how much do I let her go a bit.

I know part of me is probably more attached to her than the average mom...some of that is residual from my own childhood, another part is just because she is an only child. I so want her to have a good happy life and for us to have a great relationship. Im willing to work on it but it takes alot of effort, especially at this juncture as I am the only adult in the relationship. Im sure Im just overthinking it. She is so special to me!!

E is driving me crazy. ( and we talkabout this so he is okay with me writing about it) He is the worst when I am under stress. It pisses me off alot because during 4 1/2 months of the year Im sucking his stress up because of tax season. Surely she can spot me three weeks, right? WRONG! He keeps asking me "why are you so cranky" and Im like "IM STRESSED" and he says, "Youre not stressed!" and oh my lands...that just sets me off.

Summer is around the corner. Relief is almost here. Thank you Jesus!