Perspective

Perspective is key for me.

I tend to get tunnel vision.

The girl has a friend who lives in Alaqua. A nicer family I do not know. I love it that she gets to go play with her. However I cannot help but wonder what her family thinks of our own home. Which is modest in comparison. We are middle class folk...we have a sweet home in a nice neighborhood and a little money in the bank. Both of us work.

Comparison, I have decided is where the evil lies.

I get so frustrated with myself. I can see myself doing it. I can feel my anxiety rising about not being "good enough" I start a list in my head of all the things I want to change in our house...things that are not up to snuff. I want wood floors. I want window treatments. I want to finish furnishing our tiled room. I want to paint the girl's room. I want to re do our bathroom. I want I want I want I want I want!!!

I know this discontentment is an indicator of a spiritual problem. Not being satisfied with what God has so graciously given me. I mean COME OHNnnnnn!! Our house is perfect for us. We have wonderful neighbors. We have a pool. We have a huge nature area behind our house. We have running water, flushing toilets, electricity, beds, carpeting, furniture, appliances, Places to sit our asses, telephones, a television, a computer...what in the HELL am I complaining about???

When I compare what we have to what half of the world has I am embarrassed that I feel discontent. I think about Rachel in Mexico City and what her living conditions are. I think about how MOST of the people in this world live. I think about people in Afghanistan and Africa. I think about how people in Europe live...smaller spaces.

I need perspective!!

I think its very had to live in our community and not get the "I wants...." Its an affluent culture. Most people can give generously and still have enough money to get whatever they want.

Like I said, this problem is spiritual in nature. I dont believe that God has given me enough...I need to have more to feel good about myself. I want more to show off. I want more stuff to show how successful and great I am. I want things perfect so that people will admire me.

PHTTttttttttt!!! Isnt that crazy!?!?!?Im awesome just being me...hahahhaha ( I digress)

But truly all of this stems from an ungrateful heart!! I am focusing on the wrong things. In reality arent I saying that God has not provided enough for me to be happy when He has provided abundantly more than I should ever get!! Salvation through Christ...

I get it in my head, but my heart is so wayward that I still want what I want and I want it NOW!!!

Being one who believes (wrongly) that the solution to most problems is to just work harder I think that the answer to this question is just to solve the desires...get the new furniture, get the window treatments, get the floors done. It doesnt matter that we cant afford it, just get it done...THEN I will be happy.

In my head i know I will never be happy with my surroundings...there will always be something else...something newer and better...the latest thing that will make me feel better about myself. SIGHhhhhhhhhhhh I still want it. Not that I think having new things is wrong in and of themselves---its wrong when I attach such value to them. Its wrong when they are the barometer of how "good" or "successful" or "admirable" I am.

I pray. I pray that God would provide for us. I pray that He would make my heart content. That He would give me proper perspective. And that He would help me to realize that it is not what I own that makes me who I am or gives me esteem...that its Him and Him alone.