I have been contemplating this. I have been thinking about my desire to be perfect and to have perfection around me. I often think I would have been a good Japanese woman because the Japaense applaude minimism and the whole concept of less is more and that perfection is a goal... That one thing done beautifully is better than lots done fairly well. (what an unamerican statement is that...america is all about the land of bigger, better and more!)
So much of my desire to have a handle on things or make thinkgs perfect is based on fear.
I do believe that one of the roots lies with what happened when when Kaitlin was a baby . She was so sick and she almost died that I was so unprepared for it that it shocked me. I was completely broadsided by the possiblity that my child might die and it put the fear of all things bad into my psyche. For the first two years of her life I was at the doctor probably twice a month for various reasons. I was so afraid of losing her . When she finally turned two the dr took my hand and said, "I think that she will live" . My pediatrician was next to God in my life. I guess that somehow i felt that if I could stay on top of things or stay ahead of the curve then it would be okay...I could control the situation.
Well life being what it is ...you cant. Just because you are orgainzed and together doesnt mean that you will have success. Its fear fear fear. I often think that one of the reasons that i want things is that conept of "what if tomorrow the money runs out" what if we dont have a paycheck...what if we can t afford this or that tomorrow so maybe we should jsut get it today so we have it.
I understand the root of my issue...its truly fear vs. faith. Do I believe that my God is good enough to take care of me in any and every situaion that comes along. GULP!!! Seriously??? Well...I know the answer should come down as yes but really my lack of faith shows its face and I find myself living like I have none...faith that is.
Im rambling I know.
I often feel that the pursuit of perfection is a shackle around me. It eludes me and promises the great dividends of feeling good about myself etc, but the pursuit of it will drive you crazy...its that elusive dragon that drives you but never really pays off because nothing is perfect. Even if you get something to what you believe is perfect, life moves and its over. SIGH.......... It makes me long for heaven where perfection will be reality. And maybe that is part of it...that we were created for perfection and lost it in the Fall and somehow we will never be satified until we get to heaven. I do think that is part of it...that nothing will satisfy except the presence of Christ and the joy of the Lord.
So where does that leave me today?
It leaves me trying to remember that I dont have much except for Christ. It leaves me trying to not drive my family crazy to keep up a standard that is unachievable and probably not even healthy. It leave me trying to remember that I am not what i look like or what I own, but that I am me for who I am in Christ.
3 comments:
I got 2 words for you.... Scuba Diver. You can fight it all you want, but I will pester you until you get to experience the under water life. So, R U ready.. You will thanks me when you are done.;P):):)
I used to think it was necessary to have it all together, until my son stepped off the curb and into eternity. It was at that point in my life that I realized, it all really didn't matter anymore. Fear is real, it's a tough road to walk, I have to constantly remind myself, I have nothing to fear but fear itself.
I listen to people tell me I am nuts to ride a motorcycle but in all reality, God is in control, I could die just like Robbie did, walking off a curb and not on that motorcycle, when it's my time to go, He will take me home. Acknowledging it as reality is half the battle, denying it just makes it worse. I fear things everyday but never fear seeing Jesus in heaven and Robbie holding His hand when I reach heaven's gate. Hang in there girl, you're a sweet person. B
You're right Patti. We were created for perfection and lost it in the Fall. Now we hunger for it, crave it, and try to recreate it in our lives. We surround ourselves with what makes us feel good so that the sting of imperfection is more bearable. Perfection will be ours, but not in these bodies. Thank you Lord for the work of Christ on our behalf! V
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