Thinking...

I was thinking today as I wrote out recommendations for a friend to graduate school. I was thinking about how in this life you have the ability to change the course of your life by choices that you make.

I dont know why this is surprising to me, but I suppose that growing up I always thought that life was very linear and very plotted out. You went to high school and then you went to college and then you got married and then you had babies and then the cycle started all over again. But really, at any point in time if we want to we can change what our lives look like.

For example, if we wanted we could pick up and move. If we hated our careers we could change them. If we wanted to sell our house and buy land out in the middle of no where and farm, we could. The possibilities are endless. (and I realize that not all people have these opportunities open to them)

I wonder what my life would look like if I had had the opportunity to create it myself--you know if I had the ability to make my life exactly how I think that it should look. Ive argued with God about this many many times, although none more passionately when I learned it was next to impossible for me to have more children naturally. I know God has the best planned out for my life...that all things are for His glory and for my good. But still, being human, I always want what I don't have.

I will always remember this conversation I had with my sister-in-law. I was sharing with her about how my life wasnt what I wanted it to be...that it seemed less somehow, or unfull, or just not like what everyone else had. She was good to help me get back into reality. She pointed out (graciously as she does) that I had a great husband, a sweet home, a gorgeous daughter, a career that I truly love, a community that I am part of, and a faith that is deep. She paused after that and said, "Girl...you got the whole package..." It was interesting to hear her perspective of my life, which I always feel is lacking in some manner.

Im always plagued with the "if I get this..." then Ill be happy. And its not necessarily STUFF that Im looking forn but rather, " If we could just get the ceiling fixed, Id be happy" ..."If we could just get the deck pressure washed, Id be content"..."If I could just get sod laid, Id be satisfied". And dont get me wrong, I want stuff too...

I think I need to pray that God will help me to want what I have....

More on this later...Im gonna chew on it awhile