Yes, its true!

When the girl was born 10+ years ago I was a hyper-parent.

My pregnancy with her did not go well. I was sick the whole time (literally STILL throwing up the day we went to have her) and the preganacy was fraught with issues the whole time from 24 weeks on. At our first sonogram they told us that she had some indicators of mental retardation. Yeah...what every new parent dreads to hear. Further sonograms revealed that it appeared she was okay, but still under a good bit a stress. The pregnancy progressed but it was anything but fun...complete with bed rest, hospital stays and many sonograms, it was not something I wished to do again quickly.

When she arrived 5 weeks early, she did not do well. She was preemie and her jaundice was so severe that she was hospitalized and they told us that she might be mentally handicapped or deaf or other things from being so toxic. The whole experience was beyond nightmare.

Looking back it really took me two years to get over the whole experience. I was so anxious about losing her and about her being fragile. She was a great baby overall...just generally good natured and easily went on a schedule but I was so intense!! I can remember the first time she ran a fever and I saw the thermometer going higher and higher I literally could feel my stomach get upset.

We had the BEST pediatrician at the time, and even though he was way out in Metro West, we still went to him. When the girl turned 2 he put his hand on my shoulder and said, " I think she is going to live!" And then we laughed because we both knew I was so hyper!!

At about 2 years after the girl was born we decided to stop preventing pregnancy. When she was three years old and we still had not concieved, we went to the doctor and began our journey with infertility. After multiple procedures, no less than 5 surgeries, and 1000's of dollars we came to the end of ourselves. It was a very hard, disappointing, sad road. Infertility is really a tremendously difficult thing especially when you live in a community where children are very important. Toss in your friends who are getting preganant left and right and you soon have bitterness, anger, saddness, frustration. Its a hard, hard thing on a woman. While we had the joy of having one child, which was a blessing beyond measure, but it didnt keep away the sting or the feeling of failure each time a friend announced their pregnancy or each time we did not concieve. It was devastating. The death of a dream is a devestating thing emotionally, at least it was for me.

After a long time of wrestling with God over if He was really good or not (this time included many solitary car rides talking out loud to Him, and one particularly vehement early morning in my backyard, in my pajamas yelling at God) a measure of peace was given to me. Somehow God showed up and took away alot of the anger and bitterness and I was able to enjoy where were were at in our lives and to embrace what was before us. Believe me when I say it wasnt me because that is not my nature to just "let it go".

For years and years people kept saying, "You should adopt!" and I wanted to punch them in the face.

Here's a clue, when someone is struggling with infertility, your standard response should be to listen and not offer advice or commentary. Empathy is the best route. I was in no way interested in adopting a child. In my mind it was the "B-plan"...what you did when you couldnt concieve yourself. It was basically admintting to the whole world, "I cant have children normally so I have to do this." I had finally come to a place where anger and bitterness were not my primary emotions, but I was not interested in adopting in any way. Having one child was really finally okay with me.

God, however, was in no way done with me and my heart.

Im not sure of the "how" of this, but God did change my heart about a year ago and we began the proceedings for adopting. This process is tedious, long, expensive, invasive. It includes, doctor's visits, bloodwork, clearing by various government agencies, fingerprints, financial disclosure, and a huge self study. It all ended in creating a portfolio of our family which was lovingly put together by B and her super scrapping skills.

We turned in the profile at the beginning of the summer. Our first "pull" was three weeks ago and we were included in a group of 10 other profiles. And the young mother to be picked our family. We have been placed and, God willing, will be adopting a baby girl at the end of September!!

We got this news last week and its still amazing to me. Of course a million things can happen between now and then, but I am choosing to believe that God is in this no matter the outcome. Without going into alot of details, let me just say that this placement is incredible in its timing (very fast placement and baby due soon), in its health of the baby (no drug exposure), in its biological parentage, and many many more things.

Ive tossed around about whether or not to share this information or not on this blog being that adoptions can fall through. The woman has 48 hours after birth to change her mind...we could come away from this with empty hands. That said, Im not going to quell my joy at this point. Im doing the nursery, Im buying diapers, Im procuring babystuff from generous friends, Im getting organized, Im going to "nest" here until she arrives. I realize its a gamble. BUT...i also believe that God is big enough to handle any disappointment that we will have...IF we even have it. Im not living in fear of something that may not happen. I also think that we have had so much disappointment in the infertility journey, that we have realized that we will not die from sorrow and that God will be there for us.

I almost think was scares me more is if everything goes perfectly well!! The initial excitement of the news has worn off and the depth of the joy has increased...as has the realization of adding a new child to the family. A baby no less. Im not foolish enough to believe its going to be all teddybears and soft clouds. Babies are alot of work, and change is hard for me. Im sure there will be many difficult times. Somehow that is harder for me to trust God with than if we didnt end up placing. I guess that exposes where my lack of trust is.

So...all this long blog is to say that WE ARE HAVING A BABY!! AND ITS A GIRL!!!

I will ask that you pray for the mother and for the sweet baby girl that she is carrying as well as for us as we transition to having another child in the family and for our finances as we work out paying for this. Im amazingly peaceful despite all the lose ends. God is in this. Ive realized I can rest in that!