Spring darkness

I almost always struggle with depression during the springtime.

I feel its approach already. Its usually just for a couple weeks here right around Easter. I get very melancholy and struggle with keeping the clouds from settling on my spirit. In high school I was severely depressed during the springs of my junior and senior years. I can remember walking miles and miles every day with a headset on...just trying to keep it at bay. Wondering why I was struggling so much when my life was just about to start beginning. If I had only known about drugs then.

I think part of my sadness comes from the heightened expectation of spring. you know, sunshine, socializing, being happy. I much prefer fall when you are supposed to hunker down and wait out the cold. I love those cold gray days that mean you can cuddle up with a book or bed down on the sofa and no one questions it. In the spring youre supposed to DO stuff. Youre supposed to be out ENJOYING life. Sigh...so much pressure.

I start living in my head in the spring time. I know I need to move more. I need to be more active... that this will keep the darkness away. But I get introspective. I start thinking about heaven and meeting Jesus. I think about atonement. I think about unmet expectations and dreams that i used to have as a younger person. I listen to wistful music from my past. I think of things I wish I could have told myself back then.

Too much time on my hands is never a good thing for me. Too much time living in my brain is a scary place to be. I wonder if it is like this for most people. I was talking the other day to my friend Chuck Berry (preaches about idols) and I asked him if he every wished he were different...like had different personality traits or characteristics. He scoffed and said..."ONLY EVERY DAY!!" It made me feel better to know that others struggle too...that its not just me trudging through the sludge sometimes. That other people are scraping off the dirt from their boots too.